It was my birthday yesterday. I announced it to Caspian in the morning, because during the school holidays he barely knows what day it is, much less the date. He said, “Happy birthday, Mum! One year closer…” We stared at each other for a moment until I said, “…to death?” “Yeah,” he said, with the macabre sensibilities of a 12 year old whose favourite genre is post-apocalyptic. “Adult birthdays just don’t seem that fun. You don’t get many presents or do much fun stuff, it’s just like you’re celebrating being older and closer to death.”
In principle, I am here for rituals and celebrations. In principle I want songs and ceremonies and traditions and collective effervescence for as many moments in our lives as possible. Pākehā New Zealand culture feels largely bereft of ceremony. This is why I’ll get on board with celebrating Christmas even though I’m not Christian and I am not a fan of the consumerism. There are few times during the year where most of us know the songs and the traditions. I will always hold space for those for whom times like Christmas are toxic or painful, but for myself I will make the most of the shared experience. Yes I do like carolling. Yes I do have a t-shirt that says “‘Twas the nizzle before Chrismizzle and all through the hizzle” with Snoop Dogg’s face on it that I wear every year. Yes I did pretend during Caspian’s early years that if you plant Tic Tacs in icing sugar you can grow candy canes at Christmas.
Recently when Caspian graduated from intermediate school, they held a special assembly for the Year 8 leavers. At the end of the assembly, with speeches and gifted taonga, we walked outside to find the entire school assembled in two rows across the basketball court. The Year 8 students, followed by their families, walked down the middle of the assembled school, while all the teachers and younger students sang to us. I barely managed to hold back the tears. Ceremonies are powerful and important, to acknowledge and signify transitions in our lives.
So in principle I am here for celebrating, in reality I’m tired. Gone are the days where I’d celebrate my birthday by going camping for a weekend with friends, or by getting drunk and going dancing in town all night, or organising a big dinner or party. In reality, while it is a big deal for a child to have a birthday, as they grow so much year to year, and especially when they transition from infancy to childhood, to adolescence and finally adulthood, birthdays for adults don’t usually signify changes in our lives.
So, I worked on my birthday and that was fine. I had time off the day before to move house, and I don’t have much leave after the Christmas/New Year holiday period. In my lunchbreak I built myself a desk for my new bedroom in our new flat.
In the evening Caspian and I got ingredients for homemade pizzas and invited our new flatmates to join us for dinner. After dinner, Caspian was on duty to empty and refill the dishwasher, when he came over and gave me a big hug. He’s an affectionate kid, but this was an unusually looooong hug. I thought he was procrastinating emptying the dishwasher, but leaned into the cuddle. It went on for so long that my neck started to get sore due to the angle, and I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me.
Turned out he was in cahoots with my friend/now flatmate, who had bought a birthday cake for me. I didn’t even hear her lighting the candles, a few metres away from where I was sitting. Then they started singing happy birthday, and Caspian released me from the hug as my friend brought over the cake. It was such a sweet surprise.
This weekend I’ll have some friends over for a Bob Ross painting party, maybe some board games, definitely some food. It was tempting to let this birthday slide like I did last year. But it’s too easy to fall into complacency, to become isolated these days, and to let things slide, let them pass us by with barely a whisper, as we edge ever closer, as Caspian says, to death. May as well take the opportunity to metaphorically (or literally) hold each other’s hands as often as possible as we walk each other on that long road home.
Happy Birthday!
Great t-shirt! Happy birthday 🎉