The only thing I can think about
I envy those writers who seem to be able to compartmentalise their real life and their creative output. The ones who write and post even when there’s shit going down. I remember one self-published author on TikTok posting even when her child was in hospital with a brain tumour?? and I do not know how she did it. (Ok maybe I don’t envy THAT level of dedication to the cause of writing. That’s… something else. Capitalism?)
It only takes a slightly poor night’s sleep to have me sitting on the couch staring into space thinking about how I should be writing. If something big is going on… no way. I’m out.
Like now, for example. There’s a big thing going on in my life, and I can’t focus on the writing I should be doing—finishing part 2 of talking to strangers, an article about banking I’m being paid to write but avoiding because it’s about banking, my poor neglected-but-beloved novel.
Instead I am making new Pinterest boards and following gardening accounts on TikTok. (The vision I have for a cottage garden, phwoar. Flowers everywhere, I tell you what.)
The big thing going on is that I’m trying to buy a house. In a much shorter span of time than I’d expected, it’s gone from a general “I might be nearly ready to start thinking about trying to buy a house” to “now you’re house hunting, have fun with this additional part-time job for an undetermined number of weeks or months” to “oh hell someone’s accepted my offer and now shit’s getting real”.
To be clear: I’m not complaining. Absolutely not. Being in a position to even contemplate buying a house is beyond what I imagined for myself for most of my life. I have worked my ass off, sure, but plenty of people work way harder than me and still don’t get to this point. It’s a massive privilege to get this far, and if I manage to cross the line and actually buy a property, I’ll be crazy lucky and you’ll never hear me complaining about council rates or house insurance.
When I was selling the house bus I bought and built into a tiny home, a woman messaged to ask if I’d consider a rent-to-buy purchase. She told me she was in her 60s and had to move out of her rental as her landlord was selling. She had $5,000 for a deposit and wanted to pay off the rest of it over time.
I wished I could have said yes. It struck me as deeply sad that someone around retirement age needed to live in a housebus—and couldn’t even afford that. But I needed the money from selling the bus if I was to ever have a chance at housing security myself. I didn’t have enough money of my own—or time—to take the risk of a payment plan.
The idea that that could be me one day, being evicted from a rental in my 60s because of a landlord’s financial decision was another thing that spurred me to focus on my goal of buying a house.
I eventually sold the bus to a young woman who now travels in it full time. She was in a much more appropriate time of life to be living in a housebus. I hope the older woman managed to find housing.
There are so many stories like hers of people of all ages in insecure housing. It is a real failure of our government, in this country where we have plenty for all but not everyone is permitted to sit at the table. And now, our current government, is cutting free lunches in schools while giving tax cuts to landlords.
The first time I got kicked out of a rental was for reasons that had nothing to do with me. My landlords were getting divorced and one of them was moving back into the house I rented. That was the moment I realised that I could do everything right and still find myself out on my ass.
It was horrible at the time, and completely shattered any semblance of trust I had in the rental system, but now I can look back on it as a good thing. Because that was the moment I knew I had to work towards home ownership if I ever wanted housing security.
So I have. For the last 3-4 years it has been my primary focus. I went through the devastation of trying to buy a tiny cheap flat at the end of 2022 and being turned down for a mortgage for that. That felt like a real moment of failure. It all felt hopeless. Like I’d never escape the poverty I’d experienced through my childhood and much of my adult life.
And yet, I ploughed on. I paid off my student loan and my credit card, got a new, higher-paid job, took freelancing seriously and worked effectively two jobs for the last year and a half. I had to carry on, because the alternative was to continue paying a fortune in rent and being forever subject to a landlord’s whims.
Now here I am, writing about not being able to write, which is obnoxious—I know, I’m sorry—but it’s not the things I should be writing. These are just the thoughts I am having as I wait for the machine of home loans and lawyers to do their thing and hopefully I come up trumps.
My mortgage broker said it would be fine, but it’s not fine until it’s all signed. Until then, I am waiting for something to go wrong. To not have the right piece of paperwork or somehow be unable to prove my suitability as a candidate for a home loan. For the bank to decide I must continue to pay someone else’s mortgage instead of my own.
I’m waiting for something to go wrong and for the house to eventually go to someone else instead. Someone who really can buy a house and not an imposter like me. This house that is better than I had ever hoped to be able to afford.
Everyone says not to get invested—as if this were a mere investment and not a home—and I was completely fine when I had a couple of offers rejected, but now that one has been accepted? I’m a wreck.
All I can think about is this house, and all the many plans I have had for a home for such a long time. I will probably be a write-off until I find out either way.
Some questions:
What colour is your bedroom and do you like it? I’m loving a teal and yellow colour scheme for a bedroom at the moment but it’s quite bold so don’t worry I won’t rush into it. Maybe. I can do whatever I like if it’s my house.
How do you cope with the emotional rollercoaster of buying a house?
OMG.
What was your favourite house you ever lived in?
Aren’t flower gardens just the prettiest thing? Wow I sure want one of those.
OMG.
Hang in there! Purchasing a home is a frustrating and to your point, all-encompassing process! Re: coping - I spent A LOT OF TIME in my therapist's office and mostly just ran around like a crazy person for six months (because even when we bought it, it was overwhelming). Sending you calm, peace, and GOOD LUCK! Love your fun color choices! Our home is shades of white/off-white and my favorite house is definitely THIS one - it's small, cozy, and just what we need.
I have bought and sold several houses over the years. The anxiety of it never gets easier. And for every house I sold or bought there were many offers that fell through for a host of reasons. Taking on home buying is not for those with a weak constitution, which is why I've vowed never to do it again. My kids can bury me in the backyard when I die. I'm not leaving this house.
PS, I have an amazing garden with so many blossoms in it. Your garden will be every bit as lovely. Don't give up hope. This is a joyful moment of uncertainty to sit in.